Monday, February 2, 2009

10 outcomes of the current recession

Recession has trigerred severe cost cutting everywhere. The following events are expected to be observed soon.
  1. A picture will only be worth 900 words from now on

  2. Tata Nano will be launched in only a three wheel model
    When Ratan Tata was asked if it was possible to run a car on three wheels only, he responded "everything's possible, where there's a wheel there is a way"

  3. Fortune 500 will only contain a list of Top 400 companies from now on

  4. Due to rising prices of Gold, Olympics will only have Silver and Bronze medals
    economists describe this phenomenon as "winner's curse"

  5. Director Maniratnam will be called Ratnam from now on, there's no Money left in the industry

  6. 20-20 cricket will be further reduced to toss-toss. Flip of coin will decide the winner of the match

  7. Reliance ADAG's "BIG" will be rebranded. ADAG's companies will now be called Medium TV, Medium Pictures, Medium Music, Medium FM etc.

  8. LeT will reduce the number of terror attacks on India and cap it to one every quarter
    some people have interpreted this as being a direct consequence of reduction in US aid to Pak

  9. Shiv Sena has called for limiting the number of packs that Bollywood heroes can build by working out.
    "This uncontrolled race of 6 packs for Shahrukh Khan and 8 packs for Amir Khan will lead us no where. We are anti-Pak people"
    , said the Sena chief.

  10. Mallika Sherawat has offered to implement further downsizing in the raw material cost of her dresses but people have pleaded her not to contribute any further

Friday, January 30, 2009

Why is Pramod Muthalik ecstatic?

If there is one person who has not experienced even an iota of the current recession's impact, it is Sri Ram Sena's promoter and CEO Mr. Pramod Muthalik. Ever since his gang carried out the act of beating women in a Mangalore's pub for maligning the country's "sanskriti" (culture), Mr. Muthalik has been seeing a flurry of job offers coming his way.

One state has offered him the job of Police Chief as "moral policing" is one of his core strengths. "I am already a qualified IPS (Inko Peeto Sabko) of 1978 batch", says a beaming Mr. Muthalik. Unconfirmed sources have also reported fierce competition being on between MNS and Shiv Sena to woo Mr. Muthalik as they see a lot of strategic fit and synergy of work culture with Ram Sena.

While other organizations are queueing to get him to join them, one Mumbai based mafia conglomerate called "Mumbhais" have demanded him to head their extortion business. They are willing to absorb all employees of Sri Ram Sena too. Mr. Muthalik has not acquiesced to their demand yet as he is also contemplating a comparative offer from a major foreign bank to head their "recovery agent" arm. As if this problem of plenty was not enough - an automobiles company is also in the race to win him over as they expect to gain major benefits from his expertise in gaining political "mileage"

Since suddenly attaining this celebrity status in the media, Mr. Muthalik has constantly been in the interviews. Some reporter asked him who gave him the authority to decide what is right and wrong, is he the government, military or what - Mr. Muthalik responded that he is a "citizen" of this country. That response finally came as a relief to all those adult men and women who were beaten by Sri Ram Sena for drinking beer in a pub that has been legalized by the government.

Mr. Muthalik was asked the question if behavior of his people was humane but he dismissed that question as irrelevant. "If you read Indian history, you'll know that Ram Sena has never had any humans".

When asked why does his organization focus on petty issues when there are bigger troubles like terrorism in the country. "We are not commandos or military, we are just moral police. Anyway, I do not want to comment on terrorists as they are in a related business and my opinion will be misinterpreted in the media", said Mr. Muthalik.

"I want youth to learn the spirit of 'rang de basanti' and these people are enjoying spirits in a pub, promoting  'mug de basanti'', concluded Mr. Muthalik.

Food for thought: It would have been funny if it wasn't pathetic

Monday, January 19, 2009

Diversity in Business Schools

As PGPX 3 start their last Term, the next batch to take their place at WIMWI (Well Known Institute of Management in Western India) is almost finalized. This year, emphasis has been on diversity. It is reported that the following unusual profiles (for MBA) have been shortlisted to join WIMWI.

One guy is from Hotel Management. He has worked as Chef earlier and is specially looking forward to a course by Prof N Venkiteswaran. He heard the expansion of M&A course as "Burgers & AC kitchens" and found it specifically relevant to his past experience. There is a surgeon in the batch too. He can't wait for Prof Mukherkee's classes as he wants to specialize in "Operations" Management. An Architect has also been selected who is specifically interested in the "Building Blocks" segment of PGPX. There's a former Miss India who vowed to serve humanity and act as an ambassador for peace while fighting against hunger in Africa. She is an aspiring actress now and is attracted by "Modeling" for Decisions course. One person has worked in the courier industry before and is now interested in "Delivering Customer Value". If time permits, he also wants to specialize in "Delivering Service Levels".

There's a Mechanical Engineer who was given a case question in the interview. Case was "a mad man in a mental hospital raped one of the nurses and ran away". He was asked to describe the case in mechanical engineering terms and he answered "Nut Screws and Bolts". Yes he is joining too.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

10 signs that you've been in a B-school for too long

You know you've been at a B-school for too long when -
  1. Someone asks why you sold your old car on coming to Ahmedabad, and instead of "it wasn't getting used in my home town", your response is "I liquidated the non performing asset so that instead of bearing the holding cost of a constantly depreciating asset, I at least earn a risk free return"

  2. You call your relationship with institute a "bond", stay at institute as "maturity period" and start calling the class schedule for term as "Term Structure"

  3. You link seating arrangement in class to "Positioning" required to reap the benefits (Class Participation scores?)

  4. In Term 1 you used to open the Term Schedule to check what are the classes next day, in Term 2 you used to open the schedule to check which is the next class, but now you open the schedule to check which was the class that you just attended

  5. 70% of your body is still water, but the rest is caffeine now

  6. You measure your reading speed not in "words per minute" but in "cases per day"

  7. A random selection of names of some of your esteemed colleagues includes phocus, angrez, mamu, tali, bhompu, jalebi

  8. The following random questions on "contradictions prevailing in the world" have started troubling you
    • why is it that, of all the people around me, some are always on "dieting", while some want to"die eating"
    • why is it that, of all the people around me, some are "hard workers", while some "hardly work"
    • why is there so much emphasis on "pricing" if the world is moving towards "free" markets

  9. You know that the universe started with a "big bang" and you hope that your placement ends with a "big bank"

  10. You smiled on at least one of the above and thought "how true"

Food for thought: So why does education of business cross over to become a business of education?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Why is Ramalinga Raju unhappy?

Unconfirmed sources have revealed that Raju is terribly unhappy about Slumdog Millionaire getting the Golden Globe award for the "Best Screenplay". His unhappiness basically stems from the fact that his company's Balance Sheet was not even considered for the nomination. "The P&L statement of my company is already a bestseller in the fiction category across the world.", Raju has been quoted as saying. This quote actually comes as a surprise to a lot of financial analysts who now believe that the company's accounts should actually be sold in the recipes section as the company has been doing nothing but cooking the books.

Incidentally, this is not the first time that Raju has expressed his displeasure over an issue. He has in the past reacted to his company being sidelined in the favor of biggies like Infosys, when it comes to matters like Corporate Governance. Raju told a section of media "My company has been contributing in its own way to the India Story." He sees himself as a man of steely vision. "If Sardar Patel was the iron man of India, I am the man of steal", he was heard saying.

Talking of Corporate Governance, Raju also clarified on the issue of Golden Peacock award being taken away from them. "It was a misunderstanding to start with", Raju clarified. As it turns out, when Raju proclaimed "I want a share of your wallet", investors thought he was talking to the customers. The fact that he was actually talking to the investors themselves was not realized by anybody.

In these tough times for Raju, help came from an unexpected quarter - Bollywood. One directors is working on a plot where a small time guy from village gets trapped in the pressures of corporate world and does everything possible to show profits quarter after quarter. He however has a change of heart after seven years and confesses to everything bad done by him, exonerating everyone else in the company from the scam. The title has been registered as "Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman".

This director, just for the record, was not on the board of Satyam. This makes him an "independent director" as far as this issue is concerned.

Despite bad news flocking from all quarters, Raju has not lost hope. "Afterall our national emblem itself quotes - Satyamev Jayate, In the end, only Satyam Triumphs", Raju expressed hope.